Hi guys. :)
I just wanted to let you all know that, as of right now, I'm done blogging for awhile. This blog will be deleted, my account deactivated. I've got a lot going on right now and blogging just isn't a priority. I love you all and will be back, I hope.
xoxo Bailey

the pursuit of comfort.

spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

let me walk upon the waters
wherever you would call me
take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
in the presence of my savior.

oceans (where feet may fail) // hillsong united

i have trust issues. simple as that. i had people hurt me and i have walls in place to keep me from getting hurt. i don't like pain and i don't want to be hurting anymore. it sounds pretty straight forward and logical, right? you wouldn't want to be hurt either. 

it's become an problem over the past months. i have severe anxiety when it comes to intereacting with new people or going new places. i like the quiet of home and i don't want to leave the that comfort. i don't want to get out of my comfort zone. i want to stay safe, curled up in a little cocoon of blankets, where there's nothing to be afraid or worried about. i'm really a huge scaredy cat. i act brave, but on the inside i'm shaking. 

i've been called to live outside of my comfort zone. i have to *gasp!* talk to people who i don't know or do things that i'm not comfortable with. there were two new girls at youth group last night (and they inadvertantly sparked this post). abbrie and annie. they were alone. i honestly did not want to talk to them. i wanted to let them be alone and stay in my comfortable little group of friends and not have to talk to anyone else. i wanted someone else to do the talking. i wanted to just stay put.

our youth group is known for being incredibly welcoming. my youth leaders are amazing. katie came over and said, "hey bailey? you see those girls?"

yes. i saw them. i didn't want to see them, but i did.

"could you go introduce yourself? they don't know anyone."

no. no, i really can't. you see, i'm not very good at talking to new people. i start stammering and blushing and, no katie, i can't go talk to them. 

that's not what i said of course. i said sure. i said a quick little prayer in my head (god, i have no idea what i'm doing. help me. please?) and then i went over there, blushing and fiddling with the strap of my purse and the tubing for my pump (nervous habit, i do it when taking tests too), and said (i kid you not, this is what i said), "*cough* um, hi?"

mentally i was beating myself up. oh my gosh bailey. really? you're saying hello to someone new and all you can say is, "um, hi?" how lame do you get? just walk away now, they won't want you to be around after that.

the girls smiled and acted like i was completely normal and that it was everyday that someone awkwardly introduced themselves to them. they told me their names and were friendly. we talked about tv shows (once upon a time, doctor who, sherlock, and ncis) and cute boys. we exchanged numbers and they've texted me a few times, asking about youth group events and if i'm going to be at a certain event at a certain time.

i'm still completely shell shocked. guys, i was so uncomfortable with doing that, but despite my issues with talking to new people and my need for a familiar environment, god used me. these girls had never been to church before. they came to see what this god thing was all about. they didn't know anyone and were fully prepared to walk back out those doors because they felt judged and, get this, uncomfortable.

to bring this back to the beginning, i have trust issues. i have difficulty trusting god and i have difficulty trusting that people are going to follow through on their promises. i have a hard time with talking to people because what if they expect something of me? what if i end up breaking their trust? i know how that feels and i don't want to be in that position.

i'm learning, however, that god calls us because our weaknesses. we're called to be uncomfortable and it's hard. he never said it would be easy, though, so perhaps it's time for me to change the boundries on my little safety zone and become uncomfortable.

after all, "... God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through. (Francis Chan)” 

 

how have you gotten outside of your comfort zone lately?